i was going to make a post but then i realised that all my problems are stupid and this blog is stupid

i have this fear, and sometimes it gets so great it kinda consumes me.

it’s the fear that none of my friends, no one, actually likes me. and they’re all talking about me behind my back (well i know for a fact some do, but oh well), and making fun of me and telling each other the things i tell them trustingly. like, it usually isn’t there at all, and i don’t even realise it’s there, but other times it’s like, it’s so large that i just want to cry and not go out ever again or speak to anyone or anything, just sit in complete solitude.

and it’s fucking scary, being in the frame of mind where you can’t speak to any of your closest friends, or even look at them sometimes, because you think they hate you and are only being your friend out of pity or because you’re fun to make fun of.

okay so this is basically how i feel everyday lately and stuff idk (it’s a copy and paste of everything i sent to my friend last night so it might be all over the place idk)

i just really want to leave nz more than anything and like i think that i can’t be truly happy until that happens and there’s like ugh there’s like this big feeling deep within me and it’s like… idk it’s like a bit black pit of un um unsomething like unhappiness i guess like emptiness and i really like i feel like there’s something pulling me like spiritually out of nz and to feel good or whatever i need to leave and i haven’t left in so long and it’s making this big blackness worse

and like i’ve been planning my house/apartmen tfor a while now and it makes me so happy to think one of these designs or just anything could actually happen but at the same time there’s so much doubt, doubt that i will get there, money will become a problem or idk just something, and that upsets me when i make these plans and shit

and i think that ever since the strokes i’ve started listening to them and some other bands i feel a lot happier and i can relate to their stories and lyrics and i can understand the actual music like the relation between each instrument separately with each other and the vocals and stuff but yeah at the same time i get this deep unhappiness again because idk why
and i just really want to like do something with music i guess but i don’t have the patience and i just want to go to a strokes concert or something and experience it properly but all i have is livestreams l0l

is it sad that the only motivation i have to get through each and everyday is the idea of moving to england one day

like if i feel like shit and i don’t want to be alive i just think about the day i leave this country and then i feel better?

this is going to sound super lame and i’m starting to think that’s my trademark signature

if i were a superhero my name’d be superlame

ANYWAY

i think that when i started listening to the strokes, i grew a deeper feel for music. i can feel/hear idk, it all come together. the beats, the lyrics, the vocals, the chords, the different tones, layers, everything, and how complimentary they are for each other. regardless of the fact that i can’t play any instruments or read music or just do anything in that aspect of creativity. and i feel a lot, different? when i listen to music now, well more specifically the strokes and pink floyd and system of a down (don’t judge me they are fucking great okay), and some other ones etc. but idk, i wish i could actually play an instrument or something, instead of feeling like a faggot.

because you know, some musicians or whatever they call themselves these days think that people who can’t play or sing etc “don’t truly appreciate music” 

thinking about living in new zealand for another year makes me sick

all i want is to leave, to feel better, happier, to feel something apart from trapped

but unfortunately it isn’t that easy and my family isn’t financially able to move

we’re all a part of the same thing

we’re all living for the same thing

we’re all trying to achieve the same thing

we’re all going to die

one day

you’re too nice

you’re too good for me

stop being so nice

i don’t know how to accept such kindness 

i don’t know how to keep this friendship together

i feel like i’m not good enough for you

you’re a good person, one of the best people i have ever met, and i’m not good for you, i am slowly poisoning you, and to go through each day feeling this way is fucking horrendous, but i can’t help it, the only way to stop it is to end our friendship

but i love you, and you love me, and you try too hard and i could never end it

basically what i’m saying is that i want to get away and stop feeling trapped and i can’t do or feel that when i’m stuck here trying to pass some stupid fucking tests

ugh i feel really bad when i try to study, and try to get decent grades.

because i feel it’s all a waste of time. i don’t want good grades to show off with, and to help me get a good job, i just want to do the class to learn things, not to put that knowledge to use.

i don’t want to be here, in this town, and you know, working my whole life.

i want to be out there, admiring the great beauty that is the planet we live on. to see the great things created by, and that is, nature. the ruins and magnificent buildings from the earlier generations that walked on earth. to go places, see things, feel things, to be happy.

i want to see things, know things, just for the sake of it. silly things, that don’t matter to most other people, like what deja vu is, and how people think and why they do things, but i don’t want to know those things so i can get a job from it.

i know this may not make sense to you, hell, it doesn’t even make sense to me most of the time.

society is ruined, we all learn for the sake of money. no one ever notices the tiny things anymore.